Monday, August 17, 2009

Scratch sarcasm -- it's an insomniac night.

This is my attempt at starting a blog. Okay, so maybe I've had two others that went beyond a few entries... but you haven't read those. Trust me. They shouldn't count.

It's currently 4:12am. Perhaps I should change the title to "Life By Way of an Insomniac."(<--I've already changed the title. Disregard that, ha). I could easily go to sleep if I went to bed, but I can't get the motivation to go to my room. Sad? Maybe. What is even more sad is that my time is being occupied by Degrassi. Stop rolling your eyes -- it's the only thing on TV right now that is not titled as "Paid Programming."

I've been feeling very poetic lately; probably the most I've felt in a long time. I haven't written much this year at all, which is surprising considering the roller-coaster year I've had with my accident and all of the detours that have come with it. I really wish inspiration would hit. I have so many feelings and emotions going on right now inside of me that I want to get out, but I can't. Writer's block is smothering me.

As cliche as this next statement is, what do you do when your brain says one thing and your heart says another? I used to believe that if two people loved each other, then everything would work out in the end. I say "used to," because I've been broken of that thought process. I loved and loved and loved, and cared and cared and cared... and what do I have to show for it? A "boyfriend" who can go days without talking to me. A week without seeing me and yet he lives 5 minutes away. A guy who tells me over and over that he loves me, and yet didn't put any thought into our 6 month anniversary on Friday. Hell, I had to practically beg him to let me come over so I could see him. When we're together, physically together, we're fine. It's perfect. It's when he locks himself up in that damned house and becomes practically a hermit that we start having issues. Is it so wrong of me to want to at least speak to the man I love once a day? I don't have to see him every day, hell, even every other day. Sadly, with how he's treated the relationship, I can go a week or two without seeing him and not hurt anymore. It used to hurt, but like I said, I've been broken of those thoughts and feelings. So, is it so bad that I want to at least get a "Hey, how are you?" from him once a day? Something to show that he cares and thought about me at least once that day? It really bothers me that he can go a few days without speaking to me like I don't even exist. I find it entirely selfish of him... which really isn't far from the truth. It doesn't even feel like we're together anymore. Part of me wishes we were still just best friends.

Okay, I'm obviously getting delirious and need some sleep. If you'd be so kind as to forget that last paragraph...

--Miss Sarcastic

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